Revenge of the Weirdos
by Martin III
Summary: A member of the SOS Brigade becomes a target of that staple of school life: bullying. Is Haruhi going to take it lying down? Three guesses.
1. Part 1

Author's notes: The idea for this came to me a few weeks ago when I just lay back and thought, "I should do something with Nagato. Everyone likes Nagato. What could I do with her?" Immediately the mental image of Nagato as she appears in the opening scene came to mind. Figuring out how she got to be that way took only a minute. Hope you enjoy the results.

The characters and milieu of this fan fiction work are property of Nagaru Tanigawa, Kyoto Animation, and Funimation, except for the bullies, who are all my creation.

* * *

**Revenge of the Weirdos**

Nagato was late to the SOS Brigade meeting that day.

I say this in retrospect because, I am ashamed to say, none of us noticed at the time. Not that we didn't have good excuses. Nagato didn't exactly make it a point to draw attention to herself. Even by the standards of a person who spent entire meetings just sitting in a corner and reading, she was remarkably still, quiet, and unobtrusive. I think I've more than once made the analogy that she was more like a piece of furniture than a person. And if someone was difficult to notice when they were there, naturally it'd be even more difficult to notice when they weren't there, right?

...I feel like a dick for blaming any part of this on Nagato.

Anyway, we had another good excuse. This one was Haruhi's fault, and I have no problem whatsoever with putting some of the blame for this on Haruhi. A few days before, Haruhi had started fuming about the upcoming vote on whether or not to ban dog racing in our prefecture. In the minutes before homeroom started, she rattled off to me about a dozen reasons why the ban was such a stupid idea. I don't read the news much, so I couldn't say how accurate her facts were, but that the whole thing was irritating her was obvious.

"So make up some flyers with all that information, and we can hand them out," I said.

"Hmm. I guess that could work."

But no, apparently that wasn't good enough. When that afternoon's SOS Brigade meeting rolled around, Haruhi put her "editor-in-chief" armband on and announced that we were going to put out a newsletter. She assigned each of us stories to "investigate".

"I thought it was the dog racing thing that you were interested in," I objected.

"Don't worry." She smiled with pure confidence. "That'll be covered, too. But I already know all the facts about that issue, so there's no need for any of you to investigate it. I'll even write it up myself. The hard part's been done for you!"

_"Hard part"? I thought that was going to be the only part._

"If our newsletter only discusses one issue, they'll just think we're pushing an agenda, and ignore it entirely. Covering all the major issues gives us credibility!"

_Giving credibility to an illegitimate organization whose purpose is to seek out aliens, time travelers, espers, and sliders? I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed, Haruhi._

But I figured there would be no talking her out of this one, so I just resigned myself to following her latest crazy assignment.

"It seems I've been doing that a lot lately," I remarked to Koizumi.

His usual smile increased. "Perhaps it's not that you think it impossible to talk her out of it, but that you like the idea. Thanks to your influence, Miss Suzumiya has been introducing fewer unethical or implausible projects, and taking an interest in projects which serve the betterment of society. Though I highly doubt that her sole purpose in taking this new direction was to win more wholehearted support from you, she has certainly succeeded on that front."

Well, maybe. But Haruhi herself clearly didn't think so.

"Try to put a little effort into your assignment for a change, will you, Kyon?" she said as she gathered her stuff up to leave. "You've been holding the rest of us back. Right now I can think of five people who I'm 110% confident would do a better job than you've been doing if I recruited them to the SOS Brigade. Shape up, or you're out of here."

I guess I'm out, then. There was simply no way I could ever measure up to Haruhi's standards. I'd even made the attempt, on one or two occasions. The only time she ever expressed satisfaction with my work was the editing for the movie, and of course, I didn't actually do any of the impressive parts of that. In the great road race of life, I'd be lucky to be eating Haruhi's dust. Heck, I'd be lucky if I could make her out as a faint dot in the distance.

But I digress. The sole point of all this preamble is that, on the day that Nagato was late, Haruhi had turned the clubroom into such a mad hubbub of activity that you could almost mistake it for a real newspaper office. Under those conditions, it was easy to overlook a missing member. Our investigating was more or less done, and we were all typing our articles up on our laptops while Haruhi bellowed out orders.

"Word count limits, Mikuru! Do you not understand the concept? Just because I'm the editor doesn't mean I have the time to cut all the fat from your article! Kyon! This is a newsletter, not a literary pamphlet! Or can't you write anything without making an analogy to some obscure historical event?"

_Could you at least hold off on the criticisms until I've finished my first draft? Having you read over my shoulder and deride while I'm typing is very nerve-wracking._

"Keep cracking at it, people! I want those articles done by five! Ooo, interesting facts you've dug up there, Koizumi! I think we may have a scoop!"

Seriously, Koizumi thinks that Haruhi is infatuated with _me_?

_Don't smile at me like that, you jerk. I'm not glaring at you because I'm jealous. I'm glaring at you because I know you're a damn cheat. I could have gotten a hot scoop too if I had a secret organization with ties to the rich and powerful to do my research._

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the clubroom door opening. It startled me, because I thought all of the Brigade members were already present, and the clubroom didn't get visitors often. I spun around to see Nagato standing in the doorway.

With one very striking deviation in her appearance.

I wondered how much it would have stood out if Nagato's appearance weren't so constant and unwavering. She always wore her school uniform, even outside of school. Her facial expression had never seen the quirk of a smile, a blush, or even a squint. Even her hair didn't once vary from that short cropped, mathematical style, as though she had it trimmed daily.

Until today.

Standing in that doorway, Nagato looked the same from her jawline down, but every last strand of hair on her head was gone. Shaven perfectly clean. Combined with that neutral expression on her face, she looked like that girl from Stranger Things.

"Omigod."

This utterance came from Haruhi, the only one in the room who wasn't reduced to shocked silence by Nagato's appearance. She dashed from Koizumi's side and clasped the new arrival by her arms.

"Yuki! Are you okay?"

She just nodded in response.

"Mikuru! Get her some tea, right away!"

"Y-yes!" Due to the newsletter work, no tea had been prepared, so Miss Asahina scrambled to get the water heated and tea leaves ready.

"Kyon! Don't just sit there being useless! Get Yuki a chair!"

I brought Nagato a chair. She sat down deliberately, as though only to comply with Haruhi's wish.

"Koizumi! Search the halls for the culprits!"

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya." He ran past us, out the clubroom door.

I could have gone after him, I suppose, but I was more worried about Nagato. Besides, we might have actually caught the culprits, and I wasn't enthusiastic about getting shoved into lockers.

"Who did this to you?" I asked Nagato.

She looked at Haruhi instead. "I must type up my article."

"That can wait," Haruhi said. "Kyon asked you a question."

Nagato looked at me, and I thought I saw a query behind her cool expression.

_Come on, Nagato, answer the question. I would never force you to tell me anything you don't want to tell me, but now Haruhi is asking you too._

"I did," she said.

Haruhi's eyes widened. "_You_ did?"

"I thought I would try something different."

_Good grief. For once, Nagato, would you not insist on taking all your burdens on your own two shoulders? And seriously, not even Haruhi is going to buy that ridiculous lie._

"Just a different hairstyle, huh?" Haruhi said. "I get it."

_...aaaand I somehow managed to overestimate her._

But then Haruhi leaned in close, her forehead almost touching Nagato's. "You think I'm stupid." Her voice wasn't angry. It sounded more... disappointed, even offended.

Nagato looked somewhat confused. "No."

"Then tell me who really did this to you. We're going to make sure they never do anything like this ever again."

As worded, these were my thoughts exactly, but coming from Haruhi, I didn't like the sound of that.

Nagato answered: "Haruta, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Nozawa."

Haruhi nodded, and withdrew from Nagato's personal space. "Hmm. Kyon, who are those people?"

"Why are you asking me?" I said. "Do you think I run with their gang or something?"

"Um..." Miss Asahina turned away momentarily from her tea preparations. "If that's Tomohiro Nozawa she's talking about, he's in my class. He bothered me a lot at the beginning of the school year, but Miss Tsuruya made him stop."

_"Bothered" her? If any of the interpretations of that term which spring to mind are true, I'm surprised that the boys of Miss Asahina's class let Mr. Nozawa live this long._

"So, they're upperclassmen." Haruhi folded her arms. "I'll have to take a look at school records. Get their classes and home addresses down. Then we'll teach them a lesson!"

"Why don't we just tell the school administration, and not risk getting beaten up?" I suggested.

Haruhi "tsk tsk"ed. "You put too much trust in those empty suits, Kyon. Besides, if we turn to them, people will think the SOS Brigade can't fight their own battles. It's our job to eliminate evil wherever we find it. That's a sacred duty we can't pass on to anyone else."

"Get real for once. We're not a fighting force," I said, gesturing towards Nagato, sitting docilely with her shaved head, and Miss Asahina, trembling beside a pot of tea. "If we go messing with these guys, someone's going to get hurt."

I had anticipated Haruhi might brush my concerns aside, but her actual reaction was a surprise. She looked utterly taken aback, as if _I_ were the one who had suggested something that was likely to hurt out friends.

She opened her mouth for an angry rebuttal, but at that moment Koizumi came back. "I'm afraid I found no sign of anyone." His voice sounded significantly higher than normal, but that could have just been my imagination.

The brigade chief nodded, her momentary rage at me forgotten. "I anticipated as much. Well, let's document what evidence we have." Before I could question what she meant, Haruhi dug into one of her boxes of stuff, whipped out a camera, and snapped three photos of Nagato sitting there with her bald head. "Perfect."

_What is that supposed to prove? Anyone who sees those photos and knows anything about you will think you shaved Nagato's head yourself._

"Of course these photos are insufficient by themselves. But something may come up. You have to gather every resource that comes your way."

Nagato inclined her head. "I must finish my article."

"For the newsletter? Don't worry about that right - Hmm. On second thought, that could be a great way to take your mind off things. Okay. Mikuru, get Yuki her tea, and then all of you get back to work. I'm going to get those school records."

"I'll come with you," I said. "I want to make sure you aren't doing any more snooping than you have to."

"Absolutely not. The students who did this to Yuki could still be lurking around, so it's no place for a coward like you out there." She forced a sneer; it did not fit well on her pretty face. "You're so worried about getting beaten up, you can just stay right here, and Koizumi will protect you."

Apparently her rage at me wasn't so momentary, or forgotten. Watching the graceful sweep of her hair as she turned and left, I couldn't help but wonder if that hair would be gone the next time I saw her.

Koizumi laid a hand on my shoulder and leaned close to my ear. "You know, you're not fooling Miss Suzumiya. She knows you well enough to see through the thin excuses you always give for accompanying her into dangerous territory."

I leaned away from him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You did the same thing in the mansion during the snowstorm. You should simply tell her the truth. It's not as if wanting to protect Miss Suzumiya implies that you're in love with her. After all, you'd do the same for Miss Asahina or Miss Nagato, would you not?"

"But for different reasons. I'm not interested in protecting Haruhi. She causes trouble when she's unsupervised."

He sighed and released my shoulder. "As you like. But remember, Miss Suzumiya knows you better than I. If you're not fooling me, you're certainly not fooling her."

If anyone was being fooled here, it was Koizumi, fooling himself. For the moment, and plenty moments after that, Nagato's problem far trumped any concerns I might have about Haruhi. Her face had maintained its normal, neutral expression from the moment she walked into the clubroom, but I knew better than to think that all was as usual beneath the surface.

I also realized why she had come up with such a ridiculous lie to explain her shaved head. Nagato was a person who lived by Ockham's Razor when it came to interacting with other people. She assumed the simplest story would work best, not realizing that in this case, something a bit more complicated would be more believable, such as that she got gum stuck in her hair, had to cut it out, and that this ruined her haircut so badly that only shaving it off could improve matters.

I grabbed a chair and set up a seat for myself beside her. She was already typing away for her article. "How are you?" I asked.

Her eyes did not waver from her laptop screen. "Confused."

"I see."

"I do not understand the purpose of the removal of the hair from the top of my head. Haruta, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Nozawa's vocal intonations, facial expressions, and use of physical force upon my body suggested that this was meant to disempower me in some respect. However, unlike the eyebrows, the hair on the top of a human's head serves little practical function. It can be made to serve cosmetic purposes, such as conveying a more professional appearance or attracting a mate, but I have not styled it to serve any such purpose. I had concluded the removal of my hair to be purely illogical behavior, a phenomenon occasionally demonstrated by humans. However, your reactions to seeing me suggest that Haruta, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Nozawa were successful in disempowering me." She turned to face me. "Explain."

I scratched the side of my head. "It may be better if you don't understand. Um, couldn't you just stop them?"

"Doing so was impossible without demonstrating capabilities exceeding those of a human teenage girl."

Of course. How infuriating. Nagato was capable of battling off forces which could destroy the entire school, yet she was a helpless victim to a handful of common bullies.

"Were you frightened?" I asked, though I immediately felt the question was rude.

She had turned back to her laptop. "A little. Until they were finished, it was not clear what they intended to do with me. If I were disgraced in some manner, it might disturb Haruhi Suzumiya's peace of mind."

"Will you worry about yourself for a change?"

"They were not capable of harming me."

I guess not, but that didn't stop me from wanting to pound their worthless faces into the ground. "How long will it take for your hair to grow back?"

"Since its absence upsets you and Miss Suzumiya, I have adjusted its growth rate to 15% higher than average. Full restoration in 94 days. Hair will appear normal to local standards in approximately one month."

Great. This despite the fact that she could just alter information and return her hair to exactly the way it was in an instant. I was tempted to ask her to do just that; sure, it would blow her cover, but the looks on the faces of those assholes when Nagato came to school the next day with her hair the same as always would surely be priceless. The situation must be so frustrating to her. Despite what she said, I knew being victimized in this way had to be humiliating.

Still, there was nothing we could do about it now. Except make sure they never harass Nagato again.

* * *

Haruhi returned to the clubroom unharmed, which was a relief. The sight of her with a shaved head would have probably traumatized me for life.

"Were you successful?" Koizumi asked.

"Of course!" She held up a notebook. "Copied all the information down. Now I just need to go online and get their mug shots."

She sat down at her computer and got to work. Five minutes later she called Koizumi, Miss Asahina, and myself over to look at the photos she'd pulled up.

"These are our targets. Burn their images into your retinas," she ordered.

"Oh, no need," Koizumi said. "I'm already familiar with the four gentlemen, if the term can be used so loosely."

Well, that figured. Koizumi's job probably involved knowing every student in the school and their status as esper/alien/time traveler/normal human. Though I had to admit, looking at those photos, I realized I'd seen two of them around myself. They taunted me when I passed them in the halls sometimes. You know, "Gathering carrots for your bunnies?", or "What's the matter? E.T. not returning your calls?" Brain-dead derision that went over me like water on a duck's back, not even worth directing my snark at. The ridicule they hurled at Haruhi when she and I walked to the clubroom together meant even less. But going after Nagato was crossing the line.

"Alright, here's the plan," Haruhi said. "First, we stop by my house to pick up some supplies. Nozawa's house is closest to mine, so we'll hit him first. Then we'll move on to Yamamoto. After that, we'll adjorn for the day, and Koizumi will escort Yuki home. Give them a few hours to stew over it and wonder which of them will be next. Tomorrow, we'll get Haruta and Inokuchi at school, when they're least expecting it. Then we'll meet here as usual to discuss phase three. Questions?"

"How exactly are we going to 'hit' them?" I asked.

"'We'? Oh, no. We don't need a coward holding us back. Besides, you still need to finish writing your article."

I sighed. "Come on. Just because I question the way you're going about this doesn't mean I don't want to help get back at the creeps who did this to Nagato."

"I hate waffling. You said we'll get beat up if we try _anything_, so you're obviously afraid. You're pretending to be brave now, to make yourself look good, but if we bring you along you'll buckle by the time we get to Nozawa's place." She stood up, hefted her bag over her shoulder, and walked out of the clubroom, the others shuffling along behind her. "You'd better do a good job on your article, Kyon."

I didn't move from where I stood, instead raising the volume of my voice several notches. "I said, I want to help."

Haruhi stopped just outside the door. But she didn't turn around. "Participating in this mission won't get you out of writing that article."

"I know."

She turned around and looked me in the eye. "Then get your butt in gear."

* * *

When we left Haruhi's house, I was tasked with carrying four jugs of water and a toolbox, in addition to my bookbag. My hands were fully burdened by the jugs, so I had to carry the toolbox tucked under one arm. Meanwhile, Haruhi's favored one, Koizumi, had only two cans of spray paint to carry, and Miss Asahina bore the 16-pack of toilet paper. Haruhi had dropped off her bookbag at her house, so her sole burden was a spray bottle filled with a clear, yellow-tinged liquid. This same spray bottle was empty when she took it with her into the bathroom and locked the door, but for the sake of my sanity I'm still going to pretend that I have no idea what's in it.

As we walked, my arms aching with every step, Miss Asahina sidled up to me. "Um... I was thinking of how we might somehow... make Miss Nagato's embarrassment a little easier..."

"Oh?"

"Well, if she wore a wool hat, no one could tell her head was shaved. I have a spare that I can let her borrow, and it won't look out of place. It is winter, after all."

Indeed it was. The dull pain in my arm muscles had but one competition for the biggest irritation on my mind, and that was the icy wind that managed to stab even through my scarf.

But I shook my head. "If you do that, one of those bullies will just grab the hat off her head. You may never get it back, and Nagato's humiliation will be twice as bad for having tried to hide it."

"Oh... I guess that's true."

For her, I managed a smile. "It was a good thought. I'm sure Nagato would be happy to know you're thinking of her."

When I said that, her eyes darted towards Nagato, as though she feared the extraterrestrial member of the SOS Brigade might really know what she was thinking. "I don't know. I'm not sure she even cares about this. When I brought her her tea earlier, she had exactly the same expression on her face as she does whenever I bring her tea. It was creepy."

"You have to watch for the subtle changes in Nagato's expressions."

"Hnn? I guess I'll try that."

I had to admit, even I was having a hard time seeing those changes. Looking at Nagato now, you could almost believe there was still a full crop of hair on her head. Her eyelids hadn't deviated even a millimeter from their usual position whenever we were walking to an SOS Brigade activity. She looked totally normal.

Still, even if that were true, the intent mattered, didn't it? Those jerks had no idea they were hazing a super-alien rather than a meek, reclusive bookworm.

"There may be some truth to what Miss Asahina says." Koizumi came up behind me and Miss Asahina and inserted his face between ours, much to my annoyance. "However, a counter attack against Miss Nagato's molesters is still warranted. It would be most unpleasant if Miss Suzumiya or Asahina were their next target."

"What makes you think there are going to be any more targets?" I said.

"There already have been. I didn't say anything so as not to give Miss Suzumiya further cause to be upset, but when I left the clubroom earlier, I was set upon by our foes."

"You look fine to me. What did they do?"

"Nothing terribly original. A wedgie. Frankly, I'm anxious to finish this mission so I can get home and get a fresh pair of underwear."

_Thanks for sharing that last little detail._ "So they're targeting the entire SOS Brigade?"

"So it would seem."

"You poor dear," Miss Asahina said, clasping Koizumi's arm. "It was so brave of you to go and face them alone."

_Arrrgh. At least there's still one female member of the SOS Brigade who isn't fawning over Koizumi. I'll always have you, Nagato._

"We're here!" Haruhi announced.

So we were. I wouldn't have thought so, given how unexpectedly cozy and innocent the house looked, but the number and family name on the front door both matched. The lights were on inside, and I ducked my head in a feeble attempt to avoid being spotted.

"Do not be afraid," Nagato told me. "I have altered the information for the windows to filter out any light reflecting from our bodies and equipment."

"Which means...?"

"Those inside the house cannot see us."

Haruhi whipped around to face us, like a sergeant addressing her troops. "Okay, I don't want to make Kyon carry those heavy jugs any longer than necessary, so let's give this one the water treatment."

_Which is what?_

"Pour it over the front steps and the driveway."

_Good grief._ "In this weather, it'll freeze overnight. It'll be like one sheet of ice."

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Wow, you catch on fast."

"You can't be serious. Nozawa could fall and break something. One of _his parents_ could fall and break something."

"If they raised their kid so badly that he's shaving innocent girls' heads, they deserve to. And didn't you say you wanted to help? I knew you'd go back on your word."

"I'm going to help! It's just, this is going too far. Even you have to see that. What if he has little brothers and sisters?"

Haruhi folded her arms and sighed. "I suppose that is a concern. Generally I'd expect the siblings to be like their brother, but they can be totally different. Like your sister. She's sweet and thoughtful. And brave." She started to tap her foot. "Hmm. We can't have brought all those water jugs for nothing. ...Okay, new plan. We'll pour the water on all his clothes and leave them outside. Kyon, climb up to his bedroom and toss his clothes down."

"What? I could be arrested for breaking and entering! Besides, you're the athlete. Why don't you climb up there?"

"You wanted a plan B, I gave you a plan B. So it's either that, or we go back to plan A." She paused. "Or you really wow me and come up with a plan C. But I'm not holding my breath for that."

The worst part was, she was right. I didn't have the imagination to come up with an alternative. "How do you even know that's his bedroom?"

"Hmm? I saw Nagato looking up at that window. I thought she must know."

I looked at Nagato. She nodded.

_Dammit, Haruhi. I'm supposed to be the only one who can read Nagato._

"Do not worry," Nagato said. "I will not let you fall."

That was good enough for me, so within a few minutes I was sidling my way up the branch of a nearby tree. Nagato monitored me from below, Koizumi and Asahina stood watch, and Haruhi sprayed the side of the house with the I-swear-I-have-no-idea-what-it-is, like an animal marking her territory.

I got high enough to look into the bedroom. The good news was, Nozawa was absent. The hour was late enough that they might be having dinner. The bad news: It was now apparent that this branch wasn't going to support my weight if I went out any further, and I still was nowhere near close enough to reach the window.

"Um... Haruhi?" I hissed, trying to get her to hear me without being loud enough to be heard by one of the residents. "It's too far."

"Jump for it," she said.

_Right. And break my neck. That'd make you happy?_

She set aside the spray bottle and looked up at me. "It's not that far. If you fall, I'll catch you."

That was not reassuring. I cast a pleading look at Nagato.

The humanoid interface looked back at me. "Let go," she said.

_Good grief. They're both trying to kill me._

"Come on." The wind blew a few strands of hair into Haruhi's face, and she pushed them aside. "We haven't got all night." She was looking impatient, but there was something else there, too...

What was I thinking? Ridiculous as it sounded, if Haruhi said she would catch me, she would catch me. Whatever her faults, she wouldn't let me come to harm. And if Nagato said she wouldn't let me fall, she wouldn't.

I trusted them.

I looked back to the window, my goal. I steadied myself, let go with my hands, and kicked off with my legs...

...and my hands rocketed towards the window sill as if seized by some monumental magnetic force.

"Gyaaaahhh!"

My hands clutched tight to the sill as soon as they reached it. Maybe it was the sheer terror giving my brain a higher than normal level of lucidity, but I immediately thought back to the "homing mode" Nagato employed during our game against the Kamigahara Pirates, and realized there was a good reason why Nagato told me to let go.

"Wooo! Great jump, Kyon!" Haruhi cheered.

_I appreciate the rare show of praise, but could you keep it down a notch? Though if anything were going to alert the neighborhood, I guess that scream I just let out would do it. Hopefully Nagato has blocked us from being heard as well as seen._

Even with my feet planted against the side of the house, it already felt like my arm muscles were about to give up from holding up my body weight, and I had the terrifying thought that I might wind up hanging from the sill, my hands held in place solely by Nagato's homing mode. I adjusted my grip, and came to the even more terrifying realization that while whatever Nagato did had brought my hands this far, they weren't holding them there.

_You had better catch me if I fall, Haruhi, or I swear I'll never let you hear the end of this._

Somehow I managed to pull myself up and pry open the window. Maybe Haruhi was giving me an invisible push.

Nagato never said that she could protect me from detection while I was inside the house, so I didn't waste any time. I grabbed an armful of shirts, threw them out the window, crumpled together Nozawa's North High uniforms, threw them out the window, and then climbed out the window myself. I suspected that Haruhi meant me to get his whole wardrobe, but she didn't say that, and I wasn't risking staying in that room for any longer than necessary.

After a Nagato-enabled (but still terrifying) jump back to the tree, I climbed down to the ground, where Koizumi and Asahina were pouring water over the clothes I'd pilfered. To my surprise, Miss Asahina had a satisfied smile on her face as they did this. I guess Nozawa really did "bother" her.

All in all, I didn't feel too bad about this. Yes, it was criminal, but we weren't really _hurting_ anyone, just dishing out some much-deserved aggravation and humiliation. Nozawa should count himself lucky that his only punishment for harassing such wonderful people as Miss Asahina and Nagato was an icy uniform. And no one had spotted us, so no one could know we were even here.

_Wait a second... Where's Haruhi?_

I darted around looking, and felt some relief when I quickly spotted her around front. She was just finishing spray painting something on the front door. My good feeling subsided considerably at having vandalism added to the list of our crimes, but that was nothing compared to the dive it took when I saw what she had painted.

"Are you trying to get us arrested?" I moaned, feeling the urge to sink to my knees in despair. Haruhi's art skills weren't great, or even decent, and her spray paint can selection had limited her color palette to green and magenta, but the SOS Brigade logo was still recognizable.

"What are you talking about? No one but students at North High even know the SOS Brigade exists." She added, "Unfortunately."

"Nozawa knows."

"That's the idea. If we don't let them know we're behind this, they'll think they can keep on bullying Nagato without repercussions."

"And when he tells the authorities -"

"Tells them what? That a handful of underclassmen got the best of him? If word of that gets around, he won't be able to show his face to his fellow bullies. Even if he does tell, we'll just say they drew it themselves to try to frame us. Besides, this is just phase one. We've got two more phases to go, remember?"

_Yeah. And now I'm really dreading phase three._

**To be concluded in two weeks**


	2. Part 2

Author's notes: I belatedly decided that it made more sense to split chapter 2 into two chapters, so this fic will now be a total of three chapters. But since I promised the conclusion in two weeks' time, the final chapter will go up tomorrow as scheduled. Enjoy!

* * *

On the way to Yamamoto's house, I asked Nagato if she could remove the spray paint from the door.

"Yes."

"...So, will you?"

"No."

"I thought you weren't angry about what they did to you."

"I am not." She paused, and added, "But I believe you do not truly wish the paint removed."

"Excuse me?"

"I think I understand what Miss Nagato is saying," Koizumi interrupted. "Miss Suzumiya gave you the spray paint cans to carry." (With the buckets of water emptied and stacked on top of each other, I had a lot more arm room, and Haruhi had no intention of letting it go to waste.) "Had you sincerely wanted to eliminate the SOS logo, you could have simply spray painted over it once her back was turned."

"I want the vandalism gone, not just the logo. And if I don't want it gone, why am I asking Nagato to get rid of it?"

Koizumi shrugged. "You make a fair point, but my intuition tells me, and apparently Nagato's intuition tells her the same, that you generally support Haruhi's plan. You're merely uneasy because these are lines you've never crossed before."

"Before you chalk this up to me having a fickle conscience, maybe you'd better think about how Nozawa is going to react once he sees that logo. He and his friends might do worse to Nagato and Miss Asahina than just shaving their heads."

"I'm not afraid of them, Kyon," Miss Asahina spoke up, clenching her fists, a fire burning in her eyes. "Miss Suzumiya is right. If they're coming after us, we have to fight back!"

_Good grief. What did Nozawa do to her?_

Or maybe there was more to it than that. Maybe Haruhi had become a bad influence on her, or maybe she was even more outraged at Nagato's predicament than she'd let on.

When we arrived at Yamamoto's house, Haruhi said, "Okay, Mikuru, distribute the toilet paper rolls. Then everyone start unrolling them until we've got at at least five meters out of each roll."

_Can't we just toilet paper a house like normal delinquents?_

It was a tedious task, and of course, Haruhi participated only in the role of overseer. Once a roll had been unrolled, she squirted the two or three meters which were closest to the main roll with her bottle of no-idea-what-it-is.

"Now roll them back up," Haruhi commanded. "Aaa! Do it by the cardboard part of the roll, Mikuru! Do you want to get that stuff on your hands?"

This part was much less tedious, but somewhat more odorous. No, I still can't hazard a guess as to what's in that spray bottle. But it was nice to see that Haruhi had put some thought into one of her plans for a change. The two or three meters of unsprayed toilet paper served as a buffer, so that we could pick up and throw the roll at the house without getting our hands contaminated.

Theoretically, anyway. I still forbid Miss Asahina from laying her divine hands upon the tainted toilet paper rolls. I myself was relieved of TPing duty when my first throw failed to overcome wind resistance, leading the toilet paper to fall short of the roof and pathetically roll across the front steps. I couldn't blame Haruhi for not allowing me a second chance, given what went into preparing those rolls, but I did feel a little unexpected disappointment at not getting to hurl a good one right over a bedroom window. Mikuru, apparently too angry to sit the whole thing out, took a hammer from the toolbox and put a few dents in the mailbox.

Once the TPing was done, Haruhi spraypainted the front door with our logo. And that was that. Koizumi escorted Nagato home as planned, and the rest of us split up to go to our own homes. Before we parted, though, Haruhi instructed us to meet at the side of the school the next morning with as many spiders as we could find.

* * *

The next day, Haruhi had us open up our boxes of spiders and consolidate them all. When this was done, there was a scene worthy of a horror film collected in one box, but the contributions to it had not been equal.

"It took a lot of creative searching, but I got 23," Haruhi announced. "Let's see how many the rest of you got!"

_You didn't tell us this was going to be a contest._

"Hmm... Yuki, you know that some of these aren't spiders, right? Some of them aren't even arachnids... Oh well, they all seem to be getting along with each other, so we can use them. ...Wow, Koizumi, you've got a whole eight-legged menagerie in here! I can't even begin to count them all! And some of them are so big and hairy, too! Great job! ...What the hell, Kyon? Only seven? Did you even _try_?"

_...Yes. Yes, I did. After risking life, limb, and my standing as a law-abiding citizen to retrieve Nozawa's clothes, handling dirty toilet paper with my bare hands, and walking all over town in arctic weather, I still summoned the strength to spend my evening slaving away at finding spiders for you, my queen. But since you don't care about my suffering, I can only implore Your Majesty's forgiveness for her humble servant's inadequacy._

Haruhi cocked an eyebrow at my silent glowering. "What's with the attitude? Don't you realize how important what we're doing is? If we don't take appropriate action, everyone will think they can just pick on Yuki and Mikuru and their friends won't stick up for them! If that's what you want, then just keep going at this halfheartedly." She turned to Miss Asahina. "Huh? Where's your box, Mikuru?"

"Um..." She looked down, wringing her hands. "...I should have said something yesterday, but I'm afraid of spiders... I tried my best to get one, but then it ran up my arm and I started screaming and crying and... and I ended up squishing it..." Tears were pooling in her eyes.

"Poor Mikuru." Despite her use of the third person, Haruhi was obviously still talking to the cutest arachnophobe on the planet. "You really _should_ have told me. Now do you see what happens when you don't give your brigade chief all the information that's important to a mission?"

_I know she's adorable, but Miss Asahina is a high school student like us. Stop talking to her like she's a toddler and you're her mommy._

"We'll just let that be a lesson for next time. Anyway, thanks to me, Yuki, and Koizumi, we have more than enough. Kyon, Koizumi, you two sneak into J-3 and put these in Inokuchi's gym clothes." She handed the box off to me. "Us girls will take care of Haruta's punishment."

"What are you going to do to him?" I asked.

"We'll need to twist his arm a little. Haruta's in Yuki's class, so I want to make sure that he doesn't make fun of her."

"What's Miss Asahina's part in this?" I was starting to suspect some variation on her method for blackmailing the computer club.

"She's our mascot! She can't really help with the physical part of things, if that's what you're asking."

"Then leave her out of it. I don't want it to look like we're a gang."

_ Though I suppose a gang is just what we're being. We might as well put on bandanas with the SOS Brigade logo and warn people not to mess with us. If I didn't know that Haruhi was too flighty to stick with this way of handling problems with our peers for long, I'd be worried. If we get harassed again two weeks from now, Haruhi will probably just shrug and say to ignore it. If not, Koizumi could always have the student council president reign the SOS Brigade in._

_ ...Or I could just try talking sense into Haruhi._ That strategy seemed to be working with the current situation. She was frowning at my words, but she wasn't arguing against them yet.

At last she said, "Hmmph. If it's that important to you, I guess I can do without her. Mikuru, you can go to your class."

That reminded me. "If Haruta is in Nagato's class, doesn't that mean he's a first-year?"

"He is," Koizumi answered. "But the others are all upperclassmen. Perhaps when he befriended them, that's when they became interested in the SOS Brigade. Our organization is notorious throughout the school, but the first-years are much more familiar with the individual members."

"Get moving," Haruhi directed. "The longer you take to get this done, the more chance of you being caught. And don't even think about skipping today's meeting!"

Once we'd parted ways with the girls, I tried to pass off the box to Koizumi.

He held up his hands. "I'm afraid Miss Suzumiya entrusted those to you. I am not one to defy her orders."

"I could stand your laziness if you didn't make up stupid excuses for it. There were no orders. Haruhi just handed it to me because she thinks of me as the club mule."

"Untrue." He held the gate open for me. "I know she doesn't express it well, but Miss Suzumiya regards you as the SOS Brigade's most dependable member, the one whom, when all is on the line, will never let her down. Consider the movie project, for example. What is the one thing which, had it occurred, would have ruined the entire movie?"

"Nothing. You can't ruin something that's horrible to begin with."

"The camera breaking, of course. Even assuming it could have been replaced, the footage would have been lost. So Miss Suzumiya appointed as cameraman the one person she trusted not to drop the camera."

"Your ability to interpret everything Haruhi does as a sign of affection for me is incredible." As we walked the halls, I wondered what excuse we could come up with if we were caught. "Haruhi picked you and Miss Asahina as the stars because you're the most attractive and popular ones in the group. She picked Nagato as the villain because she already had that costume. That left me to be cameraman by process of elimination. Don't pretend you don't know that's what it was as well as I do."

"Sometimes multiple interpretations are equally true."

_Enough zen riddles._ "Anyway, these are mostly yours."

"Is that what bothers you? There happens to be an abandoned shack not far from my home, absolutely overrun with spiders. That's all it was."

"I don't believe you, and I don't care either way."

We peeked into J-3. Koizumi took a piece of paper from his pocket, glanced at it, looked back into the room, and pointed to a gym bag in the back. I had to admit that I hadn't thought as far as identifying Inokuchi's specific bag.

I shoved the box at him again. "I brought them this far. _You_ dump them in." I'm not afraid of spiders, per se, but carrying a box with dozens of them, their many legs pitter-pattering loudly against the cardboard, was enough to make me somewhat nervous.

"I do owe it to you to take on your burden at least once. But Inokuchi knows my face; he may not know yours." Koizumi tilted his head. "How about a trade? You're clearly upset about how Miss Suzumiya devalued your catch of spiders. I could have a talk with her. Tell her that you feel unappreciated. It won't mean as much coming from me as it would from you, but -"

"It won't mean anything coming from either of us. Haruhi's convinced I can take whatever insults she can dish out. And for once, she's right."

Still, it was true that Koizumi's face was more recognizable. I slipped into the room, keeping my head down as I pretended to be looking for my gym bag. Thankfully, most of the class hadn't arrived yet, and those who were there were focused on chatting with their classmates. I stuffed the box into Inokuchi's bag, gave the bottom a few whacks to get the occupants moving, and zipped the bag back up. Then I beat it out of there.

* * *

During lunch break, I started to wonder if we had gone too far. If those spiders all hid themselves in the dark enclosed folds of Inokuchi's gym clothes, he might not notice them until he started putting them on. I imagined him with spiders crawling all over him, screaming and flailing in an agony of terror beyond all imagining. I imagined him all speckled with ugly red and white spider bites.

Then I imagined what it must have been like when they attacked Nagato. I imagined her walking down the hall, all alone. I imagined Haruta, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Nozawa grabbing her tiny, meek frame and forcing her into an unoccupied classroom and down into a chair so that they could do what they wanted to her. I imagined the names they must have called her for merely having the misfortune of an association with Haruhi Suzumiya. I imagined them holding her in place, helpless for the sole reason of her firm resolve against using her abilities in her defense, while they applied the electric shears to her head.

No, I decided, we hadn't gone too far. Not even close.

"Boy, you're quiet today," Taniguchi said. "Hasn't Suzumiya been giving you anything to complain about?"

"Haruhi's enemies are even more of a pain than Haruhi herself right now," I answered. "A bunch of them were tormenting Nagato yesterday."

"Can you blame them?"

I gave him a black look.

"Hey, I'm not saying whatever they did is okay." He waved his hand, still shoveling food with the other. "But if you're going to pick on someone, she's the clear choice, right? Weirdos are more fun to mess with, and you don't get weirder than Suzumiya's crowd. And of the five of you, Nagato is the easiest pickings."

Taniguchi was a real piece of work. "We're showing them that none of us are easy pickings."

"Oh," Kunikada said. "Is that why those two are giving you the evil eye?"

I took a look over my shoulder and felt a cold sweat coming on. Loitering in the doorway were Haruta and Nozawa. Haruta was pointing at me and whispering something to Nozawa, who nodded, his arms folded. Nozawa's uniform was crinkled and damp, and looking at it made me wonder why he didn't just skip school for the day. I had a bad feeling it wasn't because he hated to miss a single lecture.

I turned back to Kunikada. "How long have they been there?"

"Mmm... About a minute, I guess? You don't think they'll come after you right now, do you?"

"The one on the right looks like a gang member or something," Taniguchi noted. "Kyon, if they do come over here, I'm not getting involved, okay?"

Taniguchi's "loyalty" was irrelevant. They weren't coming for me right now. They'd wait until after school, so there'd be no one to interfere, like they did with Nagato. And I probably wouldn't be the only one they'd come for.


	3. Part 3

I told Haruhi about Haruta and Nozawa's shadowing as soon as she got back from wherever she went during lunch.

"Don't worry about it." She sounded a little annoyed at me. "If you happen to get cleaning duty, I'll stay behind with you and escort you to the clubroom when you're done."

"I think they're after all of us, not just me."

"Well, obviously they are. I told you, that's why I painted our logo. But you're the only one of us who's wetting his pants over it."

"You realize there's a difference between being brave and being careless, right?"

She sighed and turned her head to the window. "Your excuses for your cowardice are so boring. Why did you insist on helping out yesterday evening, anyway? Who were you trying to impress?"

I gave up. She was clearly determined to hold onto her grudge against my initial "no" for as long as she could. Knowing her, that would be until the next caper came along, at the longest.

As luck would have it, neither of us drew cleaning duty, so we walked to the clubroom together. I looked over my shoulder every time I heard another student walking the halls. I was feeling about ready to face them and get it over with, but I wanted to make sure Nagato and Miss Asahina were safe first.

When we arrived, both the aforementioned girls were there, but Koizumi hadn't showed.

"Hey, Yuki," Haruhi said, in perhaps her most subdued clubroom greeting yet. "No one teased you today, did they?"

_Are you kidding? Of course they did._

"No," Nagato answered. I wondered if she was lying to keep Haruhi from worrying, or if she hadn't recognized the things people were saying to her as teasing.

"Good. Mikuru! Haven't changed yet?"

"Um, no... I was waiting for you or Koizumi to arrive, because..."

"Because...?"

She was quivering like there was a vampire lurking outside the window. "Well, during world history I noticed Tomohiro Nozawa... He was looking at me like... like he hasn't done since Tsuruya made him stop bothering me..."

"Did you let Miss Tsuruya know?" I suggested. It suddenly occurred to me that as useless as my own friends were, Miss Asahina's friend could be an exceptionally good ally.

But she shook her head. "She wasn't there. She got sent home early... Someone threw a shoe that hit her in the face..." She sniffed miserably. "Her lip was bleeding everywhere..."

_Oh shit. Come tomorrow they might all be in deep trouble for hurting the heir to the Tsuruya clan, but right now, they're after us and they're not fooling around._

"Whose shoe was it?" Haruhi asked.

"Does it matter?" I pointed out. "They probably stole it from someone else's locker."

"S-so... I was afraid..." Miss Asahina finished. "...that Nozawa might come in while I was changing..."

"Good thinking." Haruhi started digging into the SOS Brigade's closet. "It would have been a waste to get changed anyway, because I want you in a different costume today. Something I've been saving for the right occasion. And since we're at war, this is the perfect occasion!"

"O-oh? That sounds pretty good..." The promise of a costume that would _protect_ her from ogling males for a change was enough to bring a shaky smile to her face.

"Here we are!"

"Nyaaahhh!"

I have to admit I was pretty shocked myself. Haruhi selecting inappropriately revealing outfits for Miss Asahina to wear was completely standard, but somehow I had expected her to be a little more tasteful considering the seriousness of our situation. Stupid of me, I know.

I think the popular term for what we were looking at is "chain mail bikini". But I'm not a fantasy nerd, so I'd better describe it in detail to avoid any confusion from my possible misuse of words. It had two pieces, one a set of briefs and the other a bra, for lack of a better term. Both were composed of faux brown fur overlaid with a net of cheap metal plates. There was a plastic scabbard and sword fitted to the waist.

It was the first Asahina costume Haruhi had presented to offer full coverage of the cleavage, but apart from that it earned no points for modesty. "You can't make her wear that! Her belly button will be exposed!"

"So? You never make a stink about it when I wear a two-piece bathing suit."

"We're not at a pool or the beach."

"Right, and this isn't a bathing suit. Now get out of here so Mikuru can get changed!"

She wasn't getting it. "Haruhi, this isn't the time to be playing dress-up. Those guys are after us and we have to -"

"I said _out!_"

The next thing I knew, I was being shoved out of the room with both hands. A split second later, the door was slammed behind me, and the sound of Miss Asahina's screamed protests ensued. I sat down, leaning back against the wall beside the door.

"Are the ladies getting into costume?"

I glanced up and saw Koizumi had arrived. "Just Miss Asahina. It seems Haruhi isn't taking the situation with Haruta, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Nozawa seriously."

"Oh?"

He didn't have anything meaningful to contribute, apparently. "Were they eyeballing you during class, too?"

"No. But then, they all already know who I am, thanks to yesterday."

We were awkwardly silent for a moment. Then the door reopened.

"Okay, you can come back in!"

Miss Asahina had, in addition to the chainmail bikini, a sash tied around her midriff, which I think I recognized from the kimono she wore at Bon festival. I guess Haruhi took my complaint about naval exposure to heart. Despite that, the outfit's wild, barbaric flavor had me staring rather more intensely than I should have. Miss Asahina was clutching her bare arms and looking at me like she feared I might be a masher.

"Alright, I'm glad you appreciate my savvy costume choice, but we've got work to do." Haruhi pointed a commanding finger at our laptops. "Get those articles written!"

_Articles...? Are you serious? What about the four guys stalking us? What about, dare I mention it, the "phase three" you said we were going to discuss?_

"We'll talk about phase three at the end of the meeting," Haruhi said, once more seemingly responding to my unspoken thoughts. "Right now we need to get this newsletter done!"

I looked for potential allies. But Koizumi just shrugged, and Miss Asahina's chief concern was still keeping her bare arms and legs as covered as possible. Nagato just sat in the corner reading, her shaved head reflecting the light of the already descending sun; she was less concerned about the bullies than Haruhi was.

So we sat down to work without further argument. Really, it was probably better this way, when I thought it over. "Phase three" was probably one cure which would be worse than the disease. And the bullies would surely hesitate to attack all five of us at once, holed up here in our headquarters. We were fairly safe for the moment.

You couldn't count on Haruhi in the least. It was up to me to formulate a way out of our situation.

As I stared at my half-finished article, hands unmoving, I ran over our options. Going to the school administration would probably be useless, even if we could prove anything. Nagato was the only one to witness a punishable offense; it would be her word against the four of theirs, and somehow I didn't think Nagato's monotone delivery would make her story sound at all believable. Besides, I'd never seen the administration do much to stop misbehavior. If they do, then I implore somebody to explain to me how Haruhi has escaped their attention all these months.

But if we acted on our own, what could we do? Yesterday's pranks had seemingly only added fuel to the fire. What could convince them to stop, to just leave Nagato and the rest of us alone?

I had no idea.

The dead-end route of my thoughts was interrupted by the sound of Haruhi growling through her teeth. "Kyon! Why won't this photo go where I want it to in the layout?"

I was sure that I didn't understand how anything, living or nonliving, could be so foolish as to not do exactly what Haruhi wanted him, her, or it to do, but maybe she would lay off the "coward" tune if I resolved the situation. I got up, walked over, and took a look at the screen.

My mood took an immediate turn. "What are you doing?"

"It's an article about bullying."

"I can see that. Why do you have that photo of Nagato with her head shaved up here?"

"Well, I've been _trying_ to get it over there, so that I can fit another photo in the upper right corner, but -"

"I don't care. Get rid of it. This is embarrassing enough for Nagato as it is."

She looked up at me, her eyes half-lidded. "Everyone has already seen her like that in class or in the halls, idiot. Besides, this photo is crucial, to illustrate the seriousness of the problem!"

"It's the principle. You can't put a stupid newsletter before your friend's dignity!"

"Yuki's fine with it! Aren't you, Yuki?"

Nagato didn't look up from her book. "I am."

"See?"

_She always agrees to whatever you want, you idiot._ I restrained myself from blurting that out. Some things, once said, can't be unsaid.

"Fine," I said. "But you can figure out the layout thing on your own."

"Hey," she said as I started to walk away. "I'm not finished with you. Mikuru, Yamamoto is supposed to be in the tennis club. Go check to see if he's there right now. Kyon, go along and protect her."

_...Excuse me?_

"We need to know if those villains are really making a move on us. If Yamamoto's not at tennis club, that means they are. If he _is_ at tennis club, then at least we have one less person to worry about."

I continued to gawk at her.

"I know just the thought of running into those guys makes your knees knock together, but I can't send Mikuru out on her own, can I? Just keep an eye out, and if you see them, run back here as fast as you can. If it looks like they're going to catch Mikuru, dive between her and them and do everything you can to distract them. You can be the coward who redeems himself with one self-sacrificing act of bravery."

_This isn't some kids' movie. If it were, someone would have turned it off a while ago._

"Well, don't just stand there." Haruhi jumped to her feet. "Move out! That's an order!"

I wasn't so meek as to flee before some imperiously shouted words, not even when they came from the valkyrie-like visage of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The other recipient of that order was a different story, however. "Y-yes, Miss Suzumiya!" she yelped, then awkwardly saluted, before hurrying out the door.

Which left me no choice but to hurry after her. Never mind our adversaries; in that outfit, Miss Asahina would need protection against any males who happened to be wandering the halls.

She started at the sound of my footsteps as I caught up with her. "Oh! You did come!" She smiled.

"I couldn't leave you to fend for yourself, could I?"

"Mmm... No." She put an index finger to her chin. "But I thought Miss Suzumiya might have second thoughts."

It _was_ incredibly odd. Haruhi, ordering Miss Asahina and I to go off alone together? With her wearing an outfit that had me openly drooling? Was I dreaming this?

_Wait. What did she say before shoving us off? __S__acrific__e__ myself to save Miss Asahina? Maybe that wasn't just an idle thought. Maybe she sent us off hoping that we would run into Haruta and the rest, and that I'd perform just the way she said._

_ And when Haruhi really hopes for something..._

Haruhi would never wish for me to be seriously hurt. I knew that. But since she obviously wasn't taking the threat posed by our enemies seriously, that didn't mean she wouldn't wish for us to be caught by them.

"Miss Asahina." I warned myself not to panic yet. What I was thinking was just a possibility. "Do you think you could time travel out of here? I'll check on the tennis club, while you go, say, 15 minutes into the future and back to the clubroom. We can tell them we got separated."

"Just to keep me safe from Nozawa and the others?" She smiled, and I felt myself blushing at how frivilous my suggestion sounded. "I doubt I would be granted authorization to do that. Besides, I can't abandon you."

Her fingers reached over to mine, lightly touching, and for one thrilling moment I thought she was going to take hold of my hand. Then she pulled away as though suddenly realizing the apple she'd been reaching for had a poisonous snake reclining near it. Damn Haruhi.

"Where are you two goin'?"

I looked up with a start. I'd been so focused on Miss Asahina's hand that I hadn't even been looking where I was going - and so had failed to see Yamamoto and Inokuchi in front of us, not two meters away.

"Escorting her to a fantasy convention?" prodded Inokuchi, who frustratingly showed no signs of spider bites. He and Yamamoto both looked relaxed, unhurried, and chillingly bemused.

I grabbed Miss Asahina's arm (I swear, in the fear of the moment I forgot that it was bare), intending to dash back to the clubroom, but when we turned around, there were Nozawa and Haruta. Miss Asahina let out a meek cry of dismay.

"That outfit definitely has a part in _my_ fantasies," Nozawa leered.

"Shit, Nozawa, that was lame," Yamamoto said. He pointed to a nearby room. "Alright, you two, in there."

Was this it? Had Haruhi contrived this scenario? Was now the time for me to throw myself at them, and give Miss Asahina the chance to escape?

Yeah, right. Even if I managed to keep two of them busy, that still left two to grab Miss Asahina. And they would probably make it worse for us if we struggled. If Haruhi had scripted this for me to play hero, she'd done a poor job. If all you do is get yourself hurt trying to help someone, you're not a hero. You can only be a hero if you accomplish something.

Better to play for time. Nagato or Koizumi would realize something was wrong eventually.

"We're not going anywhere!" Miss Asahina's cry made me jump. Her hand clenched into a fist. "You creeps think you can hurt Miss Tsuruya and Nagato and get away with it? I guess you didn't learn your lesson yesterday - the SOS Brigade is here to make you regret your bullying!"

I'd never seen her like this before. She'd shown some pent-up indignation against Nozawa during our pranks, but it seemed like the violence against Tsuruya had ignited every ounce of righteous fury she had.

It was good enough to get some yuks out of the four thugs. Still laughing, Nozawa grabbed Miss Asahina from behind by her arms, pulling her towards the indicated room while she struggled and screamed.

I lunged towards them. "Hey, get your hands off -"

Inokuchi's fist slammed into my belly, making me double over. I went down so hard that my forehead clunked against the floor tile. My stomach screamed. I couldn't get a breath. _First Nagoshi, now Inokuchi. I guess I'm the real One-Punch Man._

But I didn't stay on the floor for long. Oh, no. Yamamoto and Inokuchi wouldn't let me. They each grabbed an arm and pulled me up to my feet and through the door of the room where they wanted to torment us in private.

Miss Asahina was already inside, and putting up a better fight. By twisting herself forward, she landed a backwards kick on Nozawa's kneecap, loosening his grip enough for her to draw her plastic sword from its scabbard and thwack him on the hip with it.

"Ow! Man, you are _feisty_ today!" Nozawa said delightedly, even as he clutched at his injured legs, allowing her to slip free.

"Let him go!" Swinging her sword like a true warrior maiden, she forced Haruta to retreat, then struck Yamamoto's arm so hard that he actually shrieked like a little girl as he dropped me. I'm sure that was my cue to use my newly freed hand to punch Inokuchi in his smug face and get us out of there, but I was so weak from that gut punch that I just slumped in Inokuchi's grip.

And Miss Asahina had underestimated Nozawa's enthusiasm. He sprang on her, wrested the sword from her grip with one hand, and with the other... my mind rebels at the very thought... he started feeling her uncovered parts. She screamed.

"D-damn you!" I shouted. The sight of Miss Asahina in such distress was enough to ignite what strength I had. I surged to my feet, determined to aid her no matter what the cost. But Inokuchi held me in a firm arm lock, and all my force of will couldn't break it. I couldn't help her.

"You've got ten seconds to let them go!"

At the sound of that bright, piercing voice, everyone turned their heads to the doorway.

There stood Haruhi Suzumiya, posed like an action figure, her finger on the trigger of the spray bottle full of _I swear __I __have no idea what __i__t is so stop asking damn it._

Her appearance got even more laughs than Miss Asahina's defiant speech from a few minutes before. "Get real! Even if that was loaded with anything dangerous, you wouldn't shoot your friends to get us!"

_Oh shit yes she would. Please, for the love of everything holy believe me, she would._

Their ridicule only inspired a terrifying smile to spread over Haruhi's face. "The spray bottle's just to get your attention. What you really should be worrying about is _this!_"

She lifted her other hand. In it was the same video camera we'd used to film our movie.

"Sexual assault on a delicate young lady and physical assault on a mild-mannered young man. I was really hoping I'd catch you guys confessing what you did to Yuki and Tsuruya too, but this is still going to look pretty bad when I send it to the police, publish it in our newsletter, and post it on social media."

The four of them glanced sideways at each other.

"And don't even think about trying to grab it from me. You've seen me run - I've heard your dumb remarks from the sidelines - so you know you have no chance of catching me. Your only choice is to agree to my terms." She already sounded like a triumphant conqueror. But I had to admit, they weren't making any move against her. "They're simple, really. Let Kyon and Mikuru go. Never bother Tsuruya or anyone in the SOS Brigade ever again. And apologize to Yuki in front of her whole class."

There she was: North High's biggest weirdo, telling four scary bullies what to do.

"You're insane," Inokuchi spat.

Haruhi's smile didn't even flicker.

* * *

They agreed to the terms, of course. Even bullies have concerns about their future, and parents they need to please - most of them, anyway. I can't say what Nozawa, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Haruta's individual feelings were about Haruhi's threat, but at the least, enough of them were afraid of what that video could do to their social and academic standing that they couldn't form a solid majority against Haruhi. Nozawa let Miss Asahina go, upon which she turned and gave him a good kick where it counted.

After they beat a retreat, Haruhi uploaded the video to the computer and to a secure file-sharing account. If they ever violated her terms, the footage was ready to be sent out. She ordered us to finish up our articles for the newsletter, but Miss Asahina said she couldn't concentrate and begged leave to go visit Tsuruya. Haruhi then insisted that the whole brigade come along to see how she was doing.

She was doing just fine, it turned out, or was simply happy enough to see us that she was willing to fake being fine. When I asked what her family was going to do about the thrown shoe, she said she'd told them it was an accident, since she didn't know who had done it. Even if we could narrow it down to four likely suspects. I suspect that, while she didn't sympathize with those bullies in the least, she wasn't comfortable with the idea of extreme punishments being exacted on her behalf. She was a person who took care of herself.

Miss Asahina didn't mention Nozawa's groping when she told Tsuruya how the situation had been resolved, but it had to be preying on her mind. "Miss Asahina," I said when we got a brief moment alone. "Are you all right?"

She looked into the distance. "I think... I will be. I can't pretend it didn't affect me, but... I've promised myself. I've promised myself that I'm not going to run and hide back to the present - your future, I mean. I'm going to remain on my mission, no matter what I have to go through."

I'll bet she would succeed, too. She was quite a girl.

Even so, she shouldn't have been put in that position.

"Haruhi used you." For some reason, I felt awful for saying that. "She sent you to the tennis club because she knew they would go after anyone who went off alone, and that harassing you would make the best footage to blackmail them with. She even picked out that costume to incite them."

She looked at me. "Maybe she just got worried about us, and came with the camera to save us."

I knew she hadn't, though.

"Even if she did plan it..." There was that fire in her eyes again. "...it was worth it to stop them."

* * *

"What's with you?" Haruhi asked me the next morning.

For a moment I said nothing. I didn't want to talk to her. But I began to twitch in anticipation of her slamming the back of my head against the front of her desk, so I turned around and said, "Miss Asahina could have been really hurt yesterday."

"You say that like it's my fault."

"Well, you planned this from the beginning, didn't you? All those pranks were just a way of getting them angry enough to try something, weren't they?"

She folded her arms and shook her head, not as an answer to my question, but as a gesture of disappointment. "You need to use your head in these situations, Kyon. If you let bullies get away with bullying, they'll do it even more. But if you just retaliate, that'll make them all the more determined to get back at you."

_Figures you'd think that. You __never__ back down __from anything__._

"The only way to get them to stop is to make them want to stop. You have to make it so that the price of fighting on is greater than the price of surrendering. That's how generals win battles. You'd know that if you paid better attention in history."

_I wonder if those generals' troops __ever __wished their general would just yield the battlefield instead of gambling their lives._

"I took the one sure path to victory."

"What if I had managed to get Miss Asahina away from them?"

She snorted. "I knew you wouldn't. Why do you think I sent you instead of Koizumi?" She leaned towards me, fixing my gaze with her eyes. "You need to learn to trust your brigade chief, Kyon. I have your best interests at heart."

The gut punch I took and the unwelcome fondling Miss Asahina took would seem to indicate otherwise, but okay. I guess I had to accept that Haruhi at least had good intentions. And just like with the water jugs, I didn't have a Plan C.

* * *

We finished assembling the newsletter at that day's meeting. Haruhi's article on bullying had one photo, an image she'd lifted off the internet. The shot of Nagato with her shaved head was absent.

"You weren't able to solve the photo layout problem, huh?" I remarked.

She gave me a blank look, then turned back to the printer, which was still spitting out copies. "Nope."

I thought about that. Suddenly it didn't make sense to me that Haruhi could have even _had_ a problem doing the layout. The reasons why she had me take care of the website and such had more to do with her lack of interest than with any difference in our computer skills. Fitting two photos into the article should have been a snap for her. So then, why had she asked for my help with that in the first place?

I also thought about Nagato, who was now sporting some very cute peach fuzz. Koizumi, who had a "friend" in Nagato's class, assured Haruhi and me that after the bullies apologized per Haruhi's terms, the teasing over her shaved head had more or less died off. But that made me wonder. Nagato acted so convincingly unbothered by the shaving ordeal, and the teasing. So what reason did I have to believe that this was the first time she'd been bullied? Maybe this was just the first time something had been done to her that she couldn't hide.

And that made me think about Miss Asahina. She didn't have Nagato's stoicism, but maybe she was a better actress than I'd given her credit for. I thought about the way Nozawa said "You are feisty today" to her. I thought about the way she'd screamed back when Haruhi put the Computer Society President's hand on her breast. I had a chilling suspicion that maybe someone had put his hand there before Miss Asahina had ever entered the Literature Club room. I suspected, too, that she may have exaggerated how effective Tsuruya had been in stopping Nozawa from bothering her.

I noticed that Haruhi never had to ask for more tea during that meeting. The moment she had downed a cup, Miss Asahina was there to offer her a fresh one. And I noticed Nagato at one point raise her eyes from her book to give Haruhi a look that I couldn't define.

So maybe "Phase Three" _had_ been effective. _Fine. I still don't like the idea of Haruhi standing in the shadows, filming me getting beaten up._

Haruhi jerked her head towards me so suddenly that I almost spilled my tea. "I didn't think you'd fight them."

"Huh?"

"When they grabbed Mikuru." She lowered her eyes. "I didn't think you'd fight to help her. That's why I didn't step in sooner."

_Damn mind reader. And do you really think I'm that craven?_

Haruhi continued, "I thought you'd let them manhandle her, and I could get the footage we needed. I would have told you that was the plan, but I was afraid you wouldn't be able to act the part convincingly, you know? I just wanted some proof of what rats they are. I didn't think they'd... _hit you..._" She was now clenching her fists and trembling.

I felt like I had to say something or she'd start crying. "It wasn't that bad. I'm fine now."

I fell back as Haruhi thrust her pointer finger at my face. "Don't you _dare_ defend them! Or make excuses for yourself, either! You shouldn't be picking fights with people if you don't even know how to fight!" Her eyes looked ready to burn through solid steel.

The printer had spit out the last of the copies, but she ignored them for the moment, instead looking over the membership of the SOS Brigade with a familiar spark in her eye. "Listen up, everyone! If there's one thing this incident should have taught us, it's that we all need to be able to defend ourselves! We'll finish distributing the newsletter tomorrow, and starting Monday you'll all begin vigorous training!"

She took a blank armband and a marker out of her bag and started writing. I looked over her shoulder to see that it read: Karate instructor.

_God save us._

END


End file.
